Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Evolution Is A Mystery

It seems that the overwhelmin consensus amongst online wrestling columnists is that Evolution title sweep at Armagedon was a really bad move. I suppose now maybe I'm questioning my own understanding of sports entertainment, as I feel quite to the contrary. First of all I've said before that I'm impressed with Triple H's utilization of backstage politics. The man knows how to play the game.

Triple H is the world heavyweight champion for the same reason Bush is our president. It's the same principle that took P. Diddy from being a lowly intern getting people their coffee to being a billionaire mogul who spends five thousand dollars on a bottle of champagne. It's called learning to play golf, it's called kissing ass, it's called getting ahead in life. And besides, if Triple H is causing the damage that everyone says he is, if ratings are dropping and ticket sales are plummeting because of Triple H's tyranny, then it's going to catch up with him at some point. The power always falls into the hands of whoever is willing to do the most in order to get it, whoever will stoop to the lowest level, whoever will resort to the most desperate of measures. Is this morally proper? Maybe not. But, it's definitely the way the world works. And if you don't like it, then why don't you call up Rob Van Dam and teach him the tricks to the trade of underhanded backstage politics.

The tag team division on both rosters is pathetic. Having Flair and Batista take the titles, in mine eyes, can serve a two fold purpose. Fold one: it acknowledges the urgent meagerness of the tag team division. Fold two: it can, although whether or not it will remains to be seen, serve to enliven the tag team division. Nobody in their right mind is going to object to Flair holding gold. It was the right time for Randy Orton to take the IC title, so to have Batista and Flair take the tag gold seemed like a natural progression. The tag title becomes something that it wasn't before. Where once it was the shining prize of the tag team division, it now becomes property of Evolution. And it seems to me that it will carry more prestige as property of Evolution. When the next tag team comes along and takes the title, they won't be winning the grandest prize in the tag team division (just saying it that way makes it sound really sad) but will be snatching up Evolution property. However, the main diminishing factor I see coming into play is that the most likely contenders right now seem to be the Dudleys or Cade and Jindrak. In the case of both teams, if they took the titles they would return them back to the pitiful condition from which they were lifted. What needs to be done is to bring in a tag team that can make for a feud with Evolution. Maybe have HBK and RVD form a tag team, because with the way things are right now, neither of those men should be competing for singles gold. Plus both of those men harbor hostile feelings towards Evolution. Obviously, my ideal scenario would be to have the Hurricane and Rosey go after them. But, it definitely looks like the WWE has no intentions what so ever of pushing those guys as a legitimate tag team. They seem content to have them remain stagnant, they've even drastically cut down their amount of backstage shenanigans and vignettes.

Either way, I give a big thumbs up to Evolution. I commend them for playing the game. More power to them. If you can't beat them, cheer for them. These guys have established a major political force in the sports entertainment business. Yes it definitely is a business. And we all know how businesses work. Those with power, use their power. And in the long run, if the product doesn't work, then the business doesn't work. If Triple H is bringing down the company, then he'll get what's coming to him. So shut the fuck up.

Best Of Raw 2003

The "best of" show they did on Monday night left me pleased for two main reasons. The first being that they ended up including one of the backstage segments betwixt the Rock and the Hurricane. I was hoping they would include the match in which the Hurricane scored a victory over the Rock due to interference from Austin. But, I suppose that would be too much to ask for from the WWE.

I felt that it was important for the WWE to acknowledge this rivalry, because it was definitely one of the more entertaining moments of 2003. The line "the Scorpion King has a tiny ding-a-ling has got to be one of the most memorable statements of the past year". And the chemistry betwixt those two entertainers was like something out of a teen flick. Put two electrifying and differing personalities together in a room and watch the madness ensue. However, it was also sad because it reminded me of a point in time where the WWE had an opportunity to push the Hurricane as a major face. If memory serves me right, a few weeks after that the Hurricane ended up having another main event match against Flair.

The impression I got from the Rock last spring was that he was helping to set up certain characters for pushes. He definitely helped push Christian to the level of Intercontinental Champion. He gave Goldberg his first victory in the WWE. Unlike Triple H (although God knows I love him), the Rock seems eager to put certain super stars over. Christian has definitely been an over looked comodity and extremely hard worker over the past few years, the Rock helped propell him. Goldberg sucks, but the Rock, like others, was probably thinking of the bottom line when he jobbed to him. The bottom line being money. Although Goldberg has hardly brought in the ratings or merch sales the company was expecting when they offered him 1.5 million for one year of wrestling. And it was the Rock who was responisble for talking Goldberg into joining the WWE. Maybe the Rock dropped the ball on this one.

That time definitely would have been a great opportunity to give the Hurricane a push. However, we have to deal with the reality that at that point there was no IC belt around for which he could have contended. And to this day, the Raw roster lacks in the area of cruiserweights. Not that the Hurricane needs cruiserweights. It's just another sad case of missed opportunity, the likes of which we've already seen this year with Eddie Guerrero, who after having won the adoration of millions of wrestling fans as a potential main eventer was thrown back into that disgrace of a tag team division.

I was also happy because they included the match betwixt Triple H and Ric Flair. From what I've read, that seems to be the match that people would agree was the best match this year of Monday Night Raw.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Why Yes, I Am Stupid. However Could You Tell?

Tonight it looks like I'll be going to see the final installment of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy. However, I was ever so hesitant to the idea. I've been going to quite a few movies on opening week as of late, and it never seems to sit well. When I went to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I got irritated by the crowd, left for a few minutes and ended up getting locked out of the theater. When I went to see the Matrix Revolutions (sucked), I wasn't bothered too much. But my good friend Steve ended up sitting next to some fucktwat nerd who was constantly chuckling at everything as though it was some inside joke between him and the movie that no one else in the theater was in on. Maybe it was this idiot's way of showing the sold out crowd that he was somehow more emotionally involved with the characters then everyone else, or that he was just more in the know about the Matrix.

The reason I feel hesitant about going to see Lord Of The Rings (I'm just not enough in the know to abbreviate and just say LOTR) is because of my fondness for subtitles. I hate to say it, but I suck at following movies, really really bad. I picked up the habit with anime, where with all the Japanese names and complex plot lines subtitles became a necessity. The Lord Of The Rings has proven to be a series of movies that I handle much better with subtitles, they all have such silly names. My brain so easily drifts off, I suddenly realize I haven't been paying a lick of attention for the past twenty minutes. This never happens to me when I have subtitles. I read the words as I hear them being spoken, I don't misunderstand anything. Plus, my brain is doing double the work, I'm less likely to get distracted.

The only way I can read a novel is if I try and speed read it. I just run my finger across the page really fast, reading the words above the tip of my finger as it zips across the page. I started to attend to my novels much better. One explanation could be that I'm reading them faster, everythings more fast paced and what not. Another explanation could be that words on a page in and of themself are not enough to preoccupy my attention. But, throw in a mischeivous little index finger who runs back and forth, pointing out words along it's journey, forms sentences which ultimately form a story. Is my brain really that simple. Luckily though, I didn't have to read Fight Club that way. That was one novel that managed to maintain my complete attention through out the course of the entire novel.

I never saw the first Lord Of The Rings movie in the theater, I first saw it on DVD. And when I did, I watched it with subtitles. I saw the second one in the theater. I honestly didn't like the second one as well, although the contrary opinion seems to be the overwhelming consensus. And watching it in the theater didn't help a particular lot. When the second Lord Of The Rings movie came out and I finally got to watch it with subtitles, it made a world of difference. Does this make me stupid? Probably. But, from what I understand, watching movies isn't supposed to be a test of aural and cognitive capacities, it's supposed to be entertainment. And if I can't pay attention, then dammit, I can't pay attention. Or maybe, just maybe, the fact that I have trouble paying attention means that the movie is boring me and subtitles are just a way of distracting me from my boredom.

That Turmoil Thing

The consensus that seems to be going around on Armagedon's tag team turmoil match is that a few of the teams came off looking pretty bad. In particular, the Hurricane and Rosey. The Hurricane and Rosey were one of the first two teams in the ring, and they managed to eliminate La Resistance. However, they were then sneak attacked by Cade and Jindrak, and eliminated within a matter of seconds. True, in a match that requires six pinfalls before completion, pinfalls will be scored easier and quicker than usual. But, the Hurricane and Rosey came off as looking duped and stupid.

While the ending to the tag team turmoil has gotten mixed reactions, I absolutely loved it. Evolution now holds all of the titles, and that made the PPV defintely one of my five favorite PPVs of this year. And it's good to see gold around the waste of Ric Flair once again. And of course I'm happy about Randy Orton. I was hoping to see Kane walk off with the world title, but considering the surprise plot twist, that was acceptable.

Evolution's domination of the brand is definitely not without controversey. Goldberg has decided to be a baby about it, apparently. But that's to be expected. Triple H has been one of Goldberg's harshest critics backstage, and I'm sure Triple H absolutely loved getting to be the man strip Goldberg of the title. From what I understand, the logic being behind this story line is that the faces will be forced to rally the troops and build momentum amongst the weery eyed fans. I totally agree with this logic. But, the way I see things, the belts are exactly where they should be. Could the development of a face faction be in the works? I sure hope so.

Obviously people are going to be rubbed the wrong way. Evolution has so much political power in the business, and now here they are on TV with all of the titles. But, along with their political power, they have the in rings skills. Well, maybe Batista isn't the smoothest in the ring. But he makes for a much more convincing dominant big guy than Goldberg. And Batista has some alrighty mic skills. He's not horrible in the ring by any means. He's just not up there with Randy Orton. Batista is good at what he does, which I think is impressive, because there are alot of people out there who suck at being a dominant big guy.

Also, I was definitely bothered by the commercials plugging the HBK/Batista match at Armagedon. They referred to Batista as weighing 275 pounds. And I knew there was no way that was possible. I knew this had to some how be influenced by Goldberg. Who, as you recall, was upset when Jim Ross mentioned that Batista was bigger than Goldberg. Well, I knew I wasn't hallucinating, because during the course of that match Jim Ross made numerous references to Batista weighing a solid 318 pounds. I wonder if Jim Ross was as upset with that commercial as I was.

Monday, December 15, 2003

He's A Super Hero, DAMMIT!!

The Hurricane did in fact use his chokeslam on Test in their match at Madison Square Garden this past week. Following that match, the Hurricane received quite a heavy tongue lashing from some of the higher ups. Well, fuck them. The main reason they don't want the Hurricane doing the chokeslam is because it's Kane's finisher. That's retarded in and of itself. The official reason they've been spouting off is they feel that the Hurricane is too small to execute a menauver like the chokeslam. Well, that's obviously bullshit. Test is a huge guy, the Hurricane chokeslammed him, and Test is fine. This whole thing sickens me.

And kudos to Test for letting the Hurricane do the chokeslam on him.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

The Hurricane Hits MSG

A couple of days ago the Hurricane scored a victory at Madison Square Garden in the opening bout against Test. One report even cited the Hurricane winning this match via CHOKESLAM! And then following victory, the Hurricane walked off with Stacy Keibler.

Hurri-thoughts As We Hurri-proach Armageddon

Yes, it seems likely that the Hurricane and Rosey probably won't walk away with the titles tonight. But, let's think about this. Dudleys are in desperate need of retiring, if this is a fair and just world, they won't win tonight, although they will most likely be one of the two remaining teams. It seems unlikely that La Resistance would win, seeing how Sylvien Grenieireierierir is out, and Conway and Dupree don't have the same magic. Plus, they clearly haven't been getting much in the old push department. Test and Steiner, no, just simply no. They were added to this match, clearly, as a last minute decision, for reasons I fail to grasp. Storm and Venis, it's just too soon. The team I'm most worried about is Cade and Jindrak. I'm worried because over on Smackdown, the Bashams are the champions. The Bashams shouldn't be the champions, they're too new, and frankly they never got a sufficient enough push to make their title reign notariable. I can see how the same scenario could play out with Cade and Jindrak, they've been getting too much of a face push lately with their tights pulling shenanigans. One of these teams is two old, Dudleys. Two teams are two new, Cade and Jindrak and Storm and Venis. Two of these teams aren't legit enough as tag teams in my view, Test and Steiner and Conway and Dupree. The Hurricane and Rosey have been slowly pushed over the last five months, and it seems about time.

Tonight in the main event I'm rooting for Kane. That's right, I'm rooting for Kane. That guy has proven over the past year that he has incredible company loyalty and deserves the title. Anyone who would go along with a murder/necrophilia angle, is obviously a trooper, and deserves the fucking title. Give the man the fucking title. He's had a horrendous past year. He deserves it. Remember when he tombstoned Linda McMahon, being the responsible wrestler he is he kept Linda's head a safe distance from the ground, but due to bad camera men, HE ended up looking like the idiot. He deserves the title. The guy is a good wrestler who does what Vince tells him to. He deserves the title.

I Had To Lie, Cheat, And Steal To Get These

I scored ringside seats for the WWE Smackdown house show at Wings Stadium in Kalamazoo in January.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

One More Thing

I would have to agree with my good friend Steve when he says that the bear hug is the stupidest wrestling move ever. So obviously I wasn't too pleased that the Hurricane jobbed on Monday night to a bear hug from Mark Henry. I suppose it would be believable considering that the Hurricane is fairly small for a wrestler and Mark Henry is big. But the bear hug sucks and so does Mark Henry, so I was not happy with this. And then Mark Henry took out Booker T with his bear hug.

I'll say this about that particular bout, I thought the Hurricane and Booker T made Mark Henry look good. Not just by jobbing to his bear hug, but by being the well rounded technicians they are. I'm expecting a similar turn out at Armageddon. Booker T will make Mark Henry look good. But, if Mark Henry actually wins this match I'll be pissed. This push Henry's been getting needs to be stopped. And I will not tolerate Mark Henry scoring a victory over someone of the callibur of Booker T at a pay per view event.

Tagteam Turmoil

We found out on Monday night that two more teams will be added to the tag team turmoil at Armageddon, La Resistance and Scott Steiner and Test. I imagine they had originally intended to have La Resistance in this match all along, they just hadn't mentioned them last week because they had been supposedly fired by the new co-GM, Mick Foley. So it looks even less likely that the Hurricane and Rosey will walk away with the titles. However, it seems highly unlikely that Test and Steiner would win this contest, and I doubt they would give the titles to La Resistance at this particular point in time.

Also, I was surprised as hell by the guest appearance made by the Rock on Monday night. I did not see that one coming, I should have considering they were in California. So that's two weeks in a row that the WWE has caught me completely off guard. Good work, fellas. And apparently the Rock will return for a couple of weeks in January and then make another return in late Febuary to start building up towards WM XX. It's too bad the Rock is a face now, because I would love to see that old rivalry with the Hurricane reflourished.

Monday, December 08, 2003


At a house show over the weekend the Hurricane teamed up with Lita to take on Matt Hardy and Molly. The Hurricane and Lita scored the victory and word is that it was a damn good match. Maybe they should start considering a feud betwixt the Hurricane and Matt Hardy, especially now that it's apparent that they won't be going through with a Christian/Matt Hardy feud.

Also, tonight on Raw the Hurricane will be in action. Him and Rosey will be teaming up with Booker T to take on the team of Mark Henry, Scott Steiner, and Test. Geez, I wonder who's going to be pulling all the weight in that match.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!! Dammit.

Finally, after months and months, the Hurricane will be wrestling at one of the Raw exclusive pay per views. The Hurricane and Rosey will be participating in a four way for the tag team titles. Also included in this will be, of course, the Dudleys, as well as Cade and Jindrak, and Lance Storm and Val Venis. Should be alot of fun. Though, as of now it seems unlikely to see the Hurricane and Rosey walking away with the titles. My worst fear, and what also appears to me to be a quite probable outcome, is Cade and Jindrak walking off with the titles.

It's also an odd bout because it appears that three of the four teams are face, and the one other team is at a point of teetering. Cade and Jindrak have shown disrespect towards the Dudleys over the past few weeks, and even drew some heat last night on Raw. But, they really haven't made a decisive turn, although, for the purposes of this match they will most likely serve as the heels. I think Venis and Storm have been pretty popular, though I think a small part of that may be due to the fact that they were involved in the match which featured Jackie Gayda's now notorious nipple slip. It's a textbook example of a misattribution of arousal as appreciation for a tag team.

Storm and Venis have gotten a hefty push as of late, as Cade and Jindrak have definitely as well. Although in the case of Cade and Jindrak it seems a bit too huge and a bit too soon, but isn't that always the case when it comes to tag teams? However, the way I see it, they've been building up the Hurricane and Rosey for a really long time now. The Dudleys can't be the only team to ever hold the titles. If the Hurricane and Rosey don't get a run as tag team champions, it will be the biggest bone head tag team related mistake since the Rockers never getting a run as tag team champions. But, will it happen at Armageddon? I'm skeptical and have little faith in the company's compatency when it comes to the tag team division and their utilization of our two favorite super heros as of late.

However, one things certain in my mind. The Hurricane and Lance Storm in the same ring at the same time equals good wrestling.